Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
