a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
