Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
420 ftw
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
