He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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