You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
