soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
