I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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