where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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