Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
