idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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