Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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