a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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