Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
