I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
