So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
