he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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