apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
