My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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