I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
