Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
