a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
