Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
