so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
