They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
