some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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