I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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