I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
