Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
