thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
