I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
