She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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