drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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