I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
