chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
