Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
