Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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