I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
