how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
