if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
