I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
