Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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