My Higher Power is John Stamos
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
