He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
