So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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