I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
