we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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