you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
