It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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