you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
