I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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