I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
