I wanna bring you to show and tell
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
